Oh Lord, This Is Too Much!

2019, one of the worst years ever I've experienced. This year, not only have I lost my dad, I have now lost 3 of my close friends. How do I deal with all of this? Who will I talk to? Who will mock me? I have lost more than I can afford to lose. This is draining me. It's taking a lot of my  energy. I cant focus. My mind is all over. Ohh Tebogo, childhood friend. Gone just like that. Nico, childhood friend. Gone like that. Lutendo, the one that drives me crazy 🤪 because he doesn't listen. Also gone just like that. Shuuu this 3 knew me very well and understood me. I will miss you so much ❤ ❤ ❤. You've been soo real to me. Managed to make me smile on my bad days. Lutendo, lol you the worst. Carrying my bag from school to home and having to walk back to Umthambeka. Taking your one and only cell phone 📱 and give it to me without asking questions. Dude not to mention the airtime we got me and Kgomotso Makgato. You were a big part of our lives, you will always be. You never judged us or gave us any reasons to doubt you. With you, we were always happy. Lol 😂 you'd dodge work just to make sure my events are well guarded. Talk about (protect and serve)Dude who will mock us? Lutendo!!! 😭💔😞. Please be a good Angel 😇 to your family, your son and to us your friends. Rest in peace Tendy. Luhaha, Mr Levi's 🤣😂. Rest easy buddy.

Finding Healing

It's been two months since I've burried my dad. The only person who filled the friend, boyfriend and father positions in my life. I dont know how I've managed to make it this far without him. Dad, I miss you. Since he's been gone I don't want to lie, it's hard to make friends, to go out and socialize. All I do is to remain indoors and do nothing. Ive lost my sense of life. I turn to go deep in thoughts and lose myself. Will this pain ever end?. Those that know the pain of losing a parent say with time i will be fine. I honestly doubt. The relationship I had with my dad was more than just a dad and daughter relationship. I've lost the will to do anything. I miss you pops. I love you so much daddy.

No Feelings I'm Numb

I don't even know what heading to give to this page. You know when one is hit by tragedy, first people to support you should be your immediate family. Well ke on my case friends became my immediate family. I recently lost my dad, the only person who gets me proper, the only man I trust In  this physical world. I went to hospital every weekend, not even my own mother would ask hows your dad or how is your journey or let alone how are you? Huh aint mothers supposed to be our backbones though? Well I guess I aint the lucky. As for my siblings well we don't share the same father so I guess it's that thing of argh we also went through the same thing, so you can also survive. Growing up huh? Then yall say your immediate family is your true family. Oh ok alright! My dad passed. Did anyone ask how are you, how are you doing, what's the plan, funeral arrangements? Well none. Not even the so called causins. In such situations I believe this is where families come together and help each other to deal with this ordeal. I went from A to Z alone. Not even a single sole from my mother's family said or did anything. Maybe it's true that you would never understand untill it happens to you. Do I blame them? Nope. Do I forget? Hell No. You see a family that has favorites neh? It never comes together. A family with people who think they are better than the others, never come together. Basically there's no love and respect. We need to learn to respect each other's hustles and appreciate the little things they do or give. Share simple happy moments together. I know they don't like my father and they never did but what they did was Savage😪. To date none has said anything even my own mother. But well it's life after all right?. I'm going through this whole situation alone and I'm honestly trying so hard to be fine. Thanks to supportive friends and dads siblings. Rakgadi, Rangwane Kea leboga. It will never be the same I know but hey I'm learning day by day. Going through counseling for abuse encountered from my then husband and the loss of my father and Im doing OK. It will take time but I know I will be good. I try by all means to write all this hurt so that I can release it from my heart and live better🤗🌺💖. I myself am not an angel. I have my own wrongs and I hope if there's anything wrong I did that I didn't notice, please tell me and I will humbly apologize🌞.  I sometimes contamplate on suicide because of all this, especially when there's no support from home and everyone just gives you the look and say nothing. God kele ngwana wa gao ketla mo pele ga Gago, ke kgopela maatla, bohlale le bophelo. Amen🎗️🙏

Dear Dad...

Everything was fine, everything was going ok. How did we get to this stage? Is this really happening? Vele i lost you? Just like that? Dude the pain you left me with i cant bare it. Its way too painful daddy. I want to believe that you are in a better place now. Where theres no pain. Yes pops you were in so much pain i didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to talk to you. But i was always there by your side. You couldn't even see me properly, you only knew it was me because of my voice. I watched you every weekend screaming in pain. It was way much for me to handle. However I've never thought that you would leave me. I prayed day in and out. The last time i saw you was the most painful day of my life. How you were screaming of pain  how you were breathing. You didn't even look like the guy i know. My best friend... Ive never lived my life not even a week would pass without us talking. Now no you and i dont know how to begin. Daddy ntse ole strong hlem, what happened? Theres so much i wanted to tell you. The last weekend i saw you i asked you to heal and you said ketla leka ngwanaka... Those words they gave me hope daddy. I held your fingers and your vibrating yeeer. Kanty that was your goodbye. You know im your girl and without you things are gonna be hard. 💞 Dude can i see you one last time ke??? Papa.. Love you soo much... And you know that!